The Big Cheese's Extravagant Christmas Competition
The self-proclaimed 'Big Cheese,' a competitive showoff, views the holiday as a contest and throws the most extravagant Christmas party imaginable to prove he is the best host. However, his obsessive quest for perfection is threatened when a chaotic laundry accident jeopardizes his crucial party hosting outfit.
Cheese and subscribe! Have yourself a cheesy little Christmas. Hey, kid, make your gifts pile high! I can already tell this one is going to be gouda. Oh, it’s a big story because this is The Big Cheese, a well-known competitor, winner, and all-around big shot.
You know his Christmas party is going to be over the top. Great! You know what they say: “Bigger is better.” “Actually, the saying is: Bigger isn’t always better.” “No, it’s not!” “Yes, it is!” “No, it’s not!” We can’t have Red Bear and Pink Bear arguing at Christmas time, which is supposed to be magical and conflict-free. “Yes. Besides, you’re both right.” “Yes! I told you it was a saying!” “So is my saying!”
While we read about The Big Cheese, the StoryTeller is interrupted. “StoryTeller, I have a problem.” “One moment. What’s wrong, Dill?” “I didn’t see The Big Cheese, and now I won’t understand the new cheese story.” “Oh, you don’t have to have read The Big Cheese to Have Yourself A Cheesy Little Christmas. So, as I was—” “StoryTeller?” “Yes, Dill?” “What if I WANT to read the first Big Cheese book?” “This is not a problem. I’ll just go ahead and put the link in the description, and you can read it. Cool?” “Yep. Yep. Yep.” The StoryTeller continued, “Okay, one thing that we did learn in The Big Cheese is that this guy is a bit of a showoff. So, I’m just imagining that if he throws a Christmas party, it is going to be fancy and all big-time. Let’s go because, you know, we have to get our jingle on.”
Big Cheese boomed, “You call this Christmas? Ha! Christmas isn’t Christmas unless it’s a Biiiiigggggg Christmas!” “Okay, Cheese. How big are we talking?” He showed them, declaring, “Like this. Tada! See, my Christmases are extreme. My Christmases are exhilarating. My Christmases are extraordinary. All ‘E’ words with many syllables. My parties are really something to behold. Take a look around. Are you seeing what I’m seeing? Hmm?!” “Wow! Giant candy canes and like a million lights! And I bet the presents inside that giant house are super sized!” Oh yeah, Big Cheese is definitely a “bigger is better” kind of cheese. He pointed out every extravagant detail: “Look at this. And this. And that. And this. And these. And those. Also, these. And that. And this. Oh, and that. And this. And these. And those. Whoo! Those are great! TA-DA!” “Ta-da, indeed, Big Cheese.”
Shooting out of an indoor cannon & snowboarding down the stairs?!
“Also, not to brag, but I’m quite the stellar host. My conversation is the sparkliest. My jokes are the funniest. My laugh is the loudest.” “Actually, that is all bragging.” “My decorations are the shiniest. My tree is the tallest.” “Still bragging!” “My snacks are the tastiest. My dance moves are the snazziest.” “He’s awesome! And just when you think the festivities are over, I show up with another surprise. Bam! PUPPIES?!?!” A chorus of “Aww! Aww! Aww! Aww!” followed. “And another! BOOM! What!? Shooting out of an indoor cannon and snowboarding down the stairs? And another! BLING! What!? Disco ice skating in your own living room?! That is so cool!” “So cool. And also like a really serious slip and fall hazard.”
Big Cheese continued his boast: “Also, you’ve never seen anybody give gifts like me. ‘It’s a motorboat. Enjoy.’” “Wait, wait, wait. What?! That is a bit much.” “And you’ve never seen anybody get gifts like me. RAAAAAHHHHH! I will outmatch anybody when it comes to presents. ‘Hey, thank you for the wristwatch. Here are five wristwatches in return.’” “Gasp. Oh, no. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Wait. That is way too many ‘no’s,’ StoryTeller. This is amazing!” “Okay, Green Bear, there is generosity, which is amazing, but this feels like showing off.” “But what’s so bad about giving five watches?” “Well, first of all, you only have two arms! Look, little brother, I got this. Okay. If you gave somebody a watch,” “Uh-huh?” “And they gave you five watches in return,” “Uh-huh?” “Wouldn’t you feel like maybe your gift wasn’t good enough?” “Uhhh, listen. I know what you’re trying to say, but five watches are cool!” “Oh, brother…” The narrator noted, “Look at this guy. He just looks shocked over how that’s happened.”
“When you finally exit a Big Cheese Christmas party with your complimentary tote bag filled with extravagant and expensive gadgets, you’re absolutely exhausted from the revelry. I just have to say I find his extravagant use of ‘E’ words exhilarating. But back to the story. ‘Get some sleep, my friends.’” The guests celebrated their loot: “Yay! I got a truck. I got the robot I’ve been wanting. I finally got a Doug the Dinosaur. So cute! Vroom! Vroom! I got a tennis racket! And I don’t even play! I’m gonna rock! After all, if you can’t win at Christmas, what’s the point?” “What’s the point, Big Cheese?” Other characters chimed in with their true definitions of Christmas: “Faith and family. Oh, Abuela…” “Sharing a kiss under the mistletoe. Gilles the romantic.” “Not eating anyone!” “That’s supposed to be every day, Tibby!” “It’s about singing Christmas carols with my pickle quartet. Yep. Yep. Yep.” “Oh, that’s fun, Dill.” “And it’s also about helping others. Like maybe donating a book to some kid who needs a book.” “I love that, Red Bear. I love all of it. But Big Cheese is turning Christmas into a competition.”
To sum things up, Big Cheese boasted, “My parties are the stuff of cheese legend. Yes, I absolutely dominate the holiday season, and I always eclipse my previous efforts like the shining star that I am.” “Big Cheese has made Christmas all about himself.” “I completely agree, Witcheficent.” “When everybody knows it’s about ME.” “There she is.” The narrator stated, “And it’s gone that way year after year after year, until this year. Oh boy. You know, whatever happened was a big deal. Here’s what happened: I was getting ready for my Christmas celebration—the absolute biggest party I would throw until my Big Cheese New Year’s Eve Bash, of course. I always had to be the best-dressed attendee; it was a must. So, I was preparing my special party hosting outfit when suddenly the washing machine started making some weird noises. There was a buzz. There was a clank. There was a rattle. There was a jangle. There was a clatter.”
“I froze in my cheese tracks. What was the matter? Should I have handwashed my outfit instead? Perhaps. Were there too many sequins? Maybe. Was the cape too long? Probably. Because without any further warning, the washer started to overflow! I tried to pull my costume out of the machine, but it ripped in half. ‘Oh no!’ ‘Oh yes!’ I couldn’t believe it. I watched in horror as the laundry room flooded, and then an indoor river of slimy, sudsy sludge rushed into the hallway and out into the living room and beyond. ‘Oh no, it’s a complete disaster!’” At that very moment, at least 7,000 twinkly lights on my giant tree started to flicker. Then they all went out with a singular POP. “Ooh, it’s all getting worse!” “‘Uggh,’ I ugghed. But wait, there’s more to Ugh! My enormous refrigerator was next. It fizzled out with a BLOOP. ‘Sheesh,’ I sheeshed. I looked around in dismay. My house was completely trashed. ‘Arg,’ I arghed.”
I froze in my cheese tracks. The washer started to overflow!
“This is all amazing!” “Witcheficent, that is not the Christmas spirit.” “Disasters are my jam.” “Ugh. And poor Cheese. He’s really got a complete disaster on his hands. He had such great plans.” I spent the next hour cleaning up the mess. It was wet. It was smelly. My back hurt. I was woozy, and it felt absolutely endless, like trying to tidy up a swamp. At this rate, there was absolutely no way I could still have a party. “Alas, I was finished! Done for. Christmas was ruined! Poor Cheese…” I fell onto my back with a whump and a sigh. Whump. Sigh…
Finally, I grabbed my phone and dialed the first cheese friend who came to mind. Wedge Wedgeman answered immediately. “Wedge Wedgeman! We met him in The Big Cheese. Very gouda guy.” I frantically told him what had happened. He was silent for exactly ten seconds, and then he confidently spoke up. “Oh my gosh. Does he have a solution for us?” “‘Don’t worry about it, old buddy, old pal,’ he said. ‘I’ll take care of everything. Tell folks to meet at my place at eight.’” “‘Um,’ I said with some hesitation in my voice.” My party was about to be taken from me, but I was stuck, and Wedge was offering up a decent solution. I couldn’t let my ego get in the way. You should never let ego get in the way of a good idea. “Uh, yeah. Okay, that sounds, um, fine,” I said. “‘Great,’ said Wedge. ‘See you then!’” And he hung up. “Didn’t I tell you that Wedge was a gouda guy? And look at him right there… already decorating his tiny, tiny, barely-a-tree.”
I swallowed my pride. I called my invited guests and told them the new location, trying to sound excited. Then, even though I was achy and exhausted, I got ready to go. I managed to salvage one key part of my outfit. “Not bad. Not bad at all. The party is on.” Then I was off to see what Wedge Wedgeman had dreamed up. “Hey everybody, shall we?” The whole gang was here: “We got the blue cheese. We got the cheese sticks over here. We got the American slice. We got Swiss. And there’s Wedge and his cozy, adorable cottage. I’d love to be invited to a party like that.” Wedge’s house was nothing like mine. While my place was gigantic, flashy, and imposing, Wedge’s was small, understated, and cozy. Wedge opened the gathering with a brief speech. Of course, he was eloquent and welcoming. “Friends, tonight we gathered to celebrate the spirit of Christmas, which is love and good cheer.”
The party itself was just so, so, simple—and simply delicious with those big, fat marshmallows. There was no balloon drop, no rock band, no snow machine, no bullhorns, no spectacle. We simply sat and talked and laughed all evening while enjoying cocoa, conversation, cookies, and bowls of chili. Of course, they had the Christmas tunes playing. What kind of party was this?
“I’ll be honest. Part of me was confused.” You could see the confusion on his face. “Another part of me was jealous that I wasn’t the center of attention. That is refreshingly honest, Big Cheese.” But somehow, most of me just felt content. “You know what I think Big Cheese is feeling? Is peace and quiet joy in his cheesy heart.” We took a group photo to commemorate the occasion. “Say cheese! Cheese! Cheese! Cheese! Big Cheese!”
When the evening finally concluded, everybody left with a handwritten Christmas card from Wedge himself. I just shook my head in awe. Had Wedge won Christmas? Of course, he had! Somehow, I wasn’t surprised in any way. He made it look so easy. “Hmm. Typical…” Yes, Wedge was the shining star of Christmas Eve. “‘I hope my party wasn’t too basic and ordinary for you,’ Wedge said as he talked to me on my way out the door.” “It was wonderful,” I said. Sure, perhaps I would have added a spotlight, some fireworks, a giant Christmas tree, and some artificial snow. “But yeah, it was really nice. ‘Thank you for saving the day and also my reputation.’” “Well, that is just what good friends do.” “‘Anytime,’ said Wedge. ‘Maybe next year, we can throw a party together.’” “That sounds swell,” I said. Wedge smiled, gave me a high five, and also a little hug. I waved goodbye and walked home, whistling a Christmas tune along the way.
While I strolled in the crisp late December air, I realized that this—THIS—was what Christmas was actually all about: a chance to spend time with folks you enjoy, have a few laughs, listen to some good music, eat a nice meal, exchange a few gifts. Voilà. Nothing too complicated, nothing too ornate, nothing too extravagant, and nothing too stressful. Nobody had to win or lose after all. They simply had to show up and be in the moment. “Ding. That is it. He hit it on the nose.”
Of course, I can still have a big Christmas whenever I feel like it, too. “Yeah! Yeah, you can! Hey, it’s not like my personality totally changed in a day. TA-DA! Indoor ziplining with your puppies. Why not? Why not? Merry Christmas to us all.” And the ridiculously adorable puppies were back, riding a train. “Aww! Aww! Aww! Look, Big Cheese left us a present! A present! He sure did: twelve Christmas cards to share with our loved ones. Oh, Big Cheese… Gift-giving is just his love language. TA-DA!”
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